If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

 

 

 

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.    So why should you?

 

 

Procrastinate Now!

 

 

 

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?    I am ewe.

 

 

 

'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

 

What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.

 

 

Why do turkeys eat so little? Because they are always stuffed!

 

 

 

When a girl slips on the ice, why can’t her brother help her up? Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

 

 

 

What goes ”Tick tock, woof woof”?       A watch dog.

 

 

Why do bicycles fall over?     Because they are two-tired.

 

 

 

What do you call a day that follows two days of rain? Monday.

 

 

 

Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself.

 

 

 

What magazine do cats like to read? Good Mousekeeping.

 

 

 

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
                                                                                     --Drew Carey

 

 

 

Why did the bald man put a bunny on his head? He wanted a full head of hare.

 

 

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

 

 

 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

 

 

Who is Dracula’s favorite person on the baseball team? The BAT boy!

 

 

 

Who was Snow White’s brother? Egg White. Get the yolk?

 

 

 

Which day of the week is the best for a dental appointment? Toothday.

 

 

 

What do you call an artificial stone? A shamrock.

 

 

 

What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.

 

 

 

What geometric figure represents a lost parrot? A polygon.

 

 

 

How can you tell if there is an elephant in the fridge? The door won’t shut!

 

 

 

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

 

 

If a pencil and a piece of paper had a race, which would win? The pencil. (The paper would remain stationary)

 

 

 

Why don’t fish play tennis? They might get caught in the net.

 

 

 

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk.

 

 

What do you call bedtime stories for boats? Ferry tales.

 

 

What kind of tree has hands? A palm tree.

 

 

How would you clean a tuba? Try a tuba toothpaste.

 

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

 

 

 

Why did the garbage look sad? Because it was down in the dumps.

 

 

 

Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

 

 

 

What did one rabbit say to the other rabbit? Nothing. Rabbits can't talk.

 

 

 

What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? You’re too young to be smoking.

 

 

 

What did one hot dog say to another? Hi, Frank!

 

 

 

What kind of necktie does a pig wear? A pigsty.

 

 

 

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

 

 

 

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

 

 

 

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

 

 

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
                                                                                                                                                Jeff Foxworthy

 

 

 

Words of Wisdom .... When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

 

 

 

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain

 

 

 

A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Gerald Ford

 

 

 

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And, if it stops moving, subsidize it.

 

                           Ronald Reagan

 

 

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

 

 

 

 

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

 

 

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

 

 

 

Why do Vampire have to brush their teeth? Because they have Bat-Breath.

 

 

 

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

 

 

 

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

 

 

 

Where do otters come from? Otter space

 

 

 

 

When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

 

 

 

 

What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.

 

 

 

How can you have bread if you are on a liquid diet? Drink a toast!!

 

 

 

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail!

 

 

 

What do you call a crazy blackbird? A raven lunatic!

 

 

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

 

 

 

What goes black and white, black and white, black and white, boom? A nun falling down the stairs.

 

 

 

What does a dog get when it finishes obedience school? A pet degree.

 

 

 

What do you call a crazy baker? A dough nut.

 

 

 

Where does satisfaction come from? A satisfactory.

 

 

What insect does well in school? A spelling bee.

 

 

Why is a bell obedient? It rings only when it is TOLLED!

 

 

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car? Use the rear defrogger.

 

 

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

 

 

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

 

 

Talk slowly but think quickly.

 

 

Who would I blame if California fell into the Pacific Ocean? Geologist: It would be San Andreas fault.

 

 

What do you get if you cross a giant and a vampire? A BIG pain in the neck!

 

 

Where do otters come from? Otter space.

 

 

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station!

 

 

Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

 

 

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

 

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

 

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

 

What is three feet long?      A yard.

 

 

Why do carpenters believe that there is no such thing as stone? Because they never SAW it!!

 

 

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

 

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

 

 

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --
Frederic Bastiat

 

 

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

 

 

Christians were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

 

 

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

 

 

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...

 

 

It is not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy

 

 

“fixinto” is one word.

 

 

Don’t you think that the first day a deer season should be a national holiday?

 

 

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

 

 

 

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

 

 

 

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

 

 

 

On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.'

 

 

 

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:  1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

 

 

 

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Gerald Ford

 

 

 

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

 

 

 

Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' about you."

 

 

 

All the festivals around here are named after a fruit, vegetable, fish, insect or animal.

 

 

 

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

 

 

 

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

 

 

On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'

 

 

Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth!

 

 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

 

 

You may be the only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

 

 

 

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

 

 

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."

Bob Devaney /Nebraska

 

 

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life." Paul Dietzel / LSU

 

 

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

 

 

Peace starts with a smile.

 

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

 

 

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

 

 

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 

 

 

The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat ?"

 

 

In the South fried catfish is the other white meat.

 

 

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

 

 

 

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

 

 

On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'

 

 

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

 

 

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

 

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

 

 

It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

 

 

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

 

 

Wrinkles don't hurt.

 

 

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

 

 

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

 

 

When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

 

 

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

 

 

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

 

 

 

Don’t judge people by their relatives.

 

 

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

 

 

Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions..

 

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