In a Veterinarian‘s waiting room:
’ Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! ‘

 

 

 

 

At the Electric Company
’ We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don‘t, you will be. ‘

 

 

 

 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

 

 

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

 

An ostrich egg can yield as many as 11 1/2 average-size omelettes.

 

 

 

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

 

 

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

 

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

 

 

 

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count  that votes.

 

 

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

 

 

What is worse than getting a text message that says, "I'm breaking up with you"?
The next text message that says, "Sorry, I sent this to the wrong person".

 

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

 

 

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

 

 

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, ‘Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?’
Tommy answered soberly, ‘I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!’

 

 

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

 

 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

 

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

 

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

 

 

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

 

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

 

 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent..

 

 

You plant a tater, you get a tater.       ---- Southern Saying

 

 

Clean living keeps me in shape, Righteous thoughts are my secret.  And New Orleans home cooking.   --- Fats Domino

 

 

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

 

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

 

 

Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing. ... Theodore Roosevelt

 

 

Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.     -Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. -Doug Larson

 

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:  'Drive carefully. We'll wait. '

 

 

On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive! '

 

 

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
”I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
”It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

 

 

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, a young man innocently said to his father, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After the father hemmed and hawed awhile, the young man finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’

 

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

 

Any fool  can have a trophy wife. It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage.
                                                                                                                              .. Diane Sollee

 

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

 

 

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
                                                                                               - Victor Borge

 

What counts in a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ... Leo Tolstoy

 

 

Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced.

                                                                                                                                                                                         ....Albert Einstein

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?         A: Trustworthy..

 

 

 

Sign in n a Nonsmoking Area:  'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. ‘

 

 

 

Sign seen in a Podiatrist's office:   'Time wounds all heels. ‘

 

 

 

The first flight of the Wright Brothers’ flying machine covered a distance that was less than the wingspan of a jumbo jet.

 

 

Test Question: Explain the phrase ‘free press’.

Student Answer: When your mum irons trousers for you.

 

 

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

 

 

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

 

 

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.  There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
                                                                                                                                                                                                            -Bob Ettinger

 

Spend some time alone..

 

 

Old age is like climbing a mountain. You climb from ledgte to ledge. The higher you get, the more tired and breathless you become, but your views become more extensive. - Ingmar Bergman

 

 

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

 

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

                                                                                               From 'Disorder in the American Courts'

 

 

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
                                                                                                        - George Eliot

 

 

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

 

 

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
                                                                                                                                                                                           ..Margaret Mead

 

 

Sweden leads the world in newspaper readership with about 572 copies sold daily for every 1,000 people.

 

 

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. ...Richard Bach

 

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

 

 

How can you make a slow horse fast?     Stop feeding him!!

 

When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.

 

 

 

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other..

 

 

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it will lose that, too.
                                                                                                                                                                - Somerset Maugham

 

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory. - Friedrich Nietzsche

 

 

 

It is not the business of government to make men virtuous or religious or to preserve the fool from the consequences of his own folly. - Henry George

 

 

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid
airborne particles resulting from the flush.

 

 

"Go!" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 

 

The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's
a Wonderful Life."

 

 

In the south iced tea is appropriate for all meals.

 

 

 

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.

Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

 

 

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

 

 

Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out? In pup tents.

 

 

The Swiss army knife originated in Schwyz, Switzerland, more than 100 years ago, after a surgical equipment manufacturer was dismayed to learn Germany supplied the Swiss army with knives.

 

 

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. .... Plato

 

 

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,  start with a small country.

 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

 

 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'   It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

 

 

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of  folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer

 

 

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
                                                                                                                           -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

 

At an Optometrist's Office:  'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

 

 

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

 

 

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

 

 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

 

 

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.   Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

 

 

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

 

 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

 

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

 

 

In Texas you only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international new on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football..

 

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

 

"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."   ....  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

 

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

 

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

 

What is the only food that doesn't spoil?       Honey

 

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

 

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'   - Ronald Reagan

 

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?  .......  One thousand

 

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.

 

 

On a Church's Bill board:  '7 days without God makes one weak.'

 

 

On a Taxidermist's window .... 'We really know our stuff.'

 

 

On a Fence -  'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

 

 

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 

 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

 

Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?    It ended up in a tie.

 

 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

 

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

 

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?       The actors get stage fright.

 

 

'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama

 

 

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

 

 

There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

 

 

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.    So why should you?

 

Procrastinate Now!

 

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?    I am ewe.

 

 

'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan

 

 

What has more lives than a cat? A frog. It croaks every night.

 

 

Why do turkeys eat so little? Because they are always stuffed!

 

 

When a girl slips on the ice, why can’t her brother help her up? Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

 

 

What goes ”Tick tock, woof woof”?       A watch dog.

 

 

Why do bicycles fall over?     Because they are two-tired.

 

 

What do you call a day that follows two days of rain? Monday.

 

 

Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself.

 

 

What magazine do cats like to read? Good Mousekeeping.

 

Why did the bald man put a bunny on his head? He wanted a full head of hare.

 

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

 

 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

 

 

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