Humor

 

Here’s something that might make you smile 

 

 

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.        –Albert Schweitzer

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A hungry stomach seldom scorns plain food.

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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.                           –Katherine Hepburn

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Hunger finds no fault with the cooking.

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A good meal makes a man feel more charitable toward the world than any sermon .                  — Arthur Pendenys

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Fish to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter

and in wine ……. Polish Proverb

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One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others.

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The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep. ………….E. Joseph Cossman

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Earth laughs in flowers.
……… Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Don’t  argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference. ……….Charles Nalin

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Beware the fury of the patient man.

                                                                                     ….. John Dryden

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One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others.

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On matters of style, swim with the current, on matters of principle, stand like a rock. How we spend our days is of course how we spend our life.
                                                                                     … Annie Dillard

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In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends. ….. John Churton Collins

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You can never do a kindness too soon, for you never know who soon it will be too late.
……..Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Did you know – Alligators can’t stick their tongues out.
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You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.
                                                                                                      ………..Vernon Howard

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Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character.
……….S.W. Straus

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Thrift was never more necessary in the world’s history than it is today.
….. Francis H. Sisson

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A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.  It just blooms.

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Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
…. Frank Leahy
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I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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When there is no feeling of accomplishment, children fail to develop properly and old people rapidly decline.

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I look up to the people who keep on dancing even after the music has stopped, because those are the people who will keep on trying even after all hope is lost.

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When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it.

                                                                 …. Bernard Baily

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It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

               ….  Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

                                                                                                    …..   James J. Barie

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A friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.

                     ….   Frances Ward Weller

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People forget how fast you did a job – but they remember how well you did it.

                                      ….  Howard Newton

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Friends are relatives you make for yourself.

                              …   Eustache Deschamps

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When you finally go back to your old hometown, you discover it wasn’t your hometown you missed but your childhood.

                                                                          ….  Same Ewing

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If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

                                                                         ….. Bob Hope

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Live simply that others may simply live.

…..Elizabeth Seton 

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Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.

                                                                                                                      ……Laurens van der Post

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Some people see things as they are and say why?  I dream things that never were and say, why not?

                                   ……………..Robert F.  Kennedy

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A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you are talking big money.

                   …….Everett M. Dirksen

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Don’t join the book burners.  Don’t think you are going to conceal thoughts by concealing evidence that they ever existed.

                                                                                 ….. Dwight D. Eisenhower

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A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

                                                                                   ……….Doug Larson

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I’ve learned …..That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

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Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. ……. Eleanor Roosevelt

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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
                                                                                     … Lucille Ball

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Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
                                                                                                 …. George Bernard Shaw

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If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
                                                                                                        ~Will Rogers~

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Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

                                                                                                       …  Caryn Leschen

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Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
                                                                                                   ~Author unknown~

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I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
                                                                                                  ~Adlai Stevenson

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           Whatever the past has been, you have a spotless future.”

                                                                                     …… Author Unknown

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Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
                                                                                                          ~Doug Larson~

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When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
                                                                                                ~Clarence Darrow~

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Untitled

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When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead.  It is difficult only for the others.

It is the same when you are stupid.

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
                                                                                                                       ~Aesop~

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A police recruit was asked during the exam,
“What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered,  “Call for backup.”

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The problem with political jokes is they get elected.                 ~Henry Cate, VII

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You don’t stop laughiig because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. ……..Michael Pritchard

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The nearest thing to immortality is getting on a mailing list. ….. Bob Thaves

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Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. …. William Hazlitt

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Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age. ….. William Feather

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In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage. ….. Robert Anderson

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If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one. …Cavett Robert

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Confidence is the hinge on the door to success. ….. Mary O’Hare Dumas

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The goal of life is living in agreement with nature … Zeno

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You can only perceive real beauty in a person as they get older.

Anouk Aimee ……

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Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.                                                     …. Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

…. Truman Capote

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Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. …… Maurice Chevalier

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 No matter ow old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to.
—–Lynn Johnston

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 Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. … Cherie Carter-Scott

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

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People know you for what you’ve done, not for what you plan to do.

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Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

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When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping.’
Now I just ‘chunky dunk.’

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If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

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Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

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Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN!

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Bumper sticker of the year: ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher –
and since it’s in English, thank a soldier’ 

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Don’t argue with an idiot;
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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Wouldn’t you know it…
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But FAT cells live forever. 

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Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

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How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty for Miss America ?

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Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

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Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court
when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

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Before you quit, try.

Before you talk, listen.

Before you react, think.

Before you criticize, wait.

Before you move on, forgive.

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Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

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Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

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Remember: You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

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A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot and realize how blessed you are for what you have.

…. Author Unknown

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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

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You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

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Things you learn as you get older:  When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re  down there.

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Things you learn as you age:  Wrinkles don’t hurt.

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 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

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Spend the day appreciating every little thing that comes your way, and you’ll end the day feeling deeply grateful for your life.

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Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

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If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the
second person.

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Something to tell your grand daughter:  When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

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No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

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Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER
forget the blessings that come each day.

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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I intend to live forever… So far, so good.

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Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not
have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take
the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to
remind them of yesterday’s wisdom that still applies today.

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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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“Spend the day appreciating every little thing that comes your way, and you’ll end the day feeling deeply grateful for your life” 

                                                                        – Author Unknown

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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t
afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

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Old age is like climbing a mountain.  You climb from ledge to ledge.  The higher you get, the more tired and breathless you become, but your views become more extensive.

                                                           …… Ingmar Bergman

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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Women sometimes make fools of men,

but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

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The grass may be greener on the other side,

but at least you don’t have to mow it.

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He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

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Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

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My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test  —  

the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

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In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

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I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

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Take my advice — I’m not using it.

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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

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Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

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Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

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I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the
computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

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I’ve learned ….That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

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Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.           -Jack Benny

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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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          Home ought to be our clearinghouse, the place from which we go forth lessoned and disciplined,                and ready for life. -Kathleen Norris

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YAWN:   An honest opinion openly expressed.

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MOSQUITO:   An insect that makes you like flies better.

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‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.’
– Ronald Reagan

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INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

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WRINKLES
 Something other people have…similar to my character lines.

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Always, always practice humility.

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SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

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BEAUTY PARLOUR   …  A place where women curl up and dye.

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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

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No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”

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A snail can sleep for three years.

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A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

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A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

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‘Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.’
– Ronald Reagan

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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If you could drive to the sun at 55 miles per hour, it would take you about 193 years.

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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In England in 1558, beards were taxed according to their length.

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Rattlesnakes gather in groups to sleep through the winter. Sometimes, up to 1,000 of them coil up together to keep warm.

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Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.

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Who thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

His dizzy aunt ———————————————— Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes——————————— Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ——Stop N Gogh

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”And that’s how the fight started…..

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If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

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One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

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I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

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Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

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SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT…

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

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I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

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You Might Be A Redneck If:

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

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What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

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The following was taken off actual police car videos around the country – 
* You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.

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When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache….. When you open it, he collapses….. When he sees you reading it, he faints….. When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees……

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Things that you learn in the South:

 You measure distance in minutes.

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THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD        …….   A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.’

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Time has a way of weeding out the trivial.   …    Richard Ben Sapir

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

                                                                                                                               – Victor Borge

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At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don‘t see what youre looking for, you‘ve come to the right place.”

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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. … Abraham Lincoln

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When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. … Franklin D. Roosevelt

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Find the good – and praise it. …. Alex Haley

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Consider the postage stamp: Its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.                                                Josh Billings.

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In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

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Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

                                                                                                                            …. Robert Fulghum

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The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

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If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life … Tommy Lasorda

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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‘It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.’ – Ronald Reagan

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A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.

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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

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Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

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If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority. Yugoslav Proverb

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Find the good and praise it. … Alex Haley

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The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone. …Henrik Ibsen

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Energizer bunny arrested — charged with battery .

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.!

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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

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Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
                                                                                       …Robert Fulghum

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The Irving Berlin song “How Deep Is The Ocean” contains only one line that is not a question. The one nonquissical line is “I’ll tell you no lie”.

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The first duty of love is to listen. …Paul Tillich

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Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. …Joseph Barth

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In a Nonsmoking Area:
’ If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. ‘

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                                  Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.                                                                                                             … Lyndon B. Johnson

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

                                                                                                  – Mark Twain

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
                                                                                       – Mark Twain

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On a Plumber’s truck:
‘We repair what your husband fixed.’

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Test Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

Student Answer: At the bottom

……………………………………….

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

…………………………….

Test Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?

Student Answer: Unusual names

……………………………………..

‘The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.’                                                                                                      – Ronald Reagan

……………………………….

New York and Vermont lead the U.S. in maple syrup production, but the Canadian province of Quebec produces more maple syrup than all 50 states put together.

………………………………………

You’ve got to love what you’re doing. If you love it, you can overcome any handicap or soreness or all the aches and pains and continue to play for a long, long time.                                                                                                                                                                       … Gordie Howe

……………………………….

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him … John Morley

………………………….

‘The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.’
– Ronald Reagan

…………………………

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years …… just getting over the hill.

………………………….

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

………………………………

Pride is concerned with who is right, Humility is concerned with what is right.

                                                                                                           …..  Ezra Taff Benson

…………………………………

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, Was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the
mother of Jesus?
The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?”

…………………………………….

The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

………………………………

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

……………………………….

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
                                 —–   Burma Shave

………………………………………

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
                                                                                                                  – Winston Churchill

………………………….

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

………………………………….

Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so
much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the
important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and
don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues
will soon be forgotten.

………………………….

I’ve learned …..That no matter how serious your life requires you to be,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

……………………………..

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
                                                                                                ~ Robert Benchley

………………………..

A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.”

……………………………..

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,

“Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

…………………………………..

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

……………………………..

Stand up for what you believe in even if it means standing alone.

………………………………………..

 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

……………………………………….

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

………………………………………………………….

 

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

……………………………………..

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

……………………………………

The more you take responsibility for your past and present,

the more you are able to create the future you seek.

………………………….

Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”

…………………………………….

What’s a mixed feeling? …. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff with your new car.

………………………………

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

……………………………………

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

………………………

The more you take responsibility for your past and persent, the more you are able to create the future you seek.

…………………………..

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

……………………………..

Half the people you know are below average.

………………………………………

 

Tractor-Down-2

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

………………………….

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’

……………………………………

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.                                                                                                                              – Michael Pritchard

………………………………..

A little boy and his mom are at the grocery store and he asks if he can get animal crackers.

She says “Of course, sweetie.”

When they get home he goes to the kitchen counter and dumps them all out, looking intently through all the crackers.

The mom says “WHAT ARE U DOING??” and the little boy calmly replies, “Looking for the seal. It says do not eat if seal is broken”

……………………………..

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
                                                                                                                                  ~ David Letterman

…………………………………

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it. 

                                                                                                                                        – Ben Franklin

………………………………..

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
                                                                                                                                                        ~ John Glenn

………………………………………….

What peopole say you cannot do, you try and find that you can. – Henry David Thoreau

………………………………..

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. – Victor Borge

…………………………………

‘Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.’ – Ronald Reagan

………………………….

Health nuts may live longer, but they are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

…………………………

Keep your fears to yourself; share your courage with others.

                                                                                                                                      – Robert Louis Stevenson.

………………………………….

“Courage is contagious.  When a brave person takes a stand, the spine of others is often stiffened.

                                                                                                                                           – Billy Graham

………………………………………

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.  

                                                                                                                                                – William James

……………………………………….

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

                                                                                                                                         – Mignon McLaughlin

……………………….

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered with disputes.  

                                                                                                                                          – Robert Louis Stevenson

……………………………..

Everyone should:  Smile more than you cry,  Give more than you take and Love more than you hate.

                                                                                                ….      Author Unknown

………………………………..

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

……………………………

Victory is not won in miles, but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later win a little more.

                                                                                            — Louis L’Amour

…………………………………

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

………………………………

As a man grows older it is harder and harder to frighten him. …. Jean Paul Richter

…………….

 

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,

and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

………………………………

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it feels like a small vacation!

……………………………

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

…………………………..

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

……………………….

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

……………………………..

A blonde was watching the news with her friend when the newsman said, “Today two brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.”
The blonde started to cry and turned to her friend, “How many is a brazilian?”

……………………

Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

……………………………..

Things that you learn in the South:

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

…………………………

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

……………………………..

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

……………………………

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

………………………….

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

……………………………..

Perks of reaching 50 … People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

………………………..

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra

……………………………..

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener. …Pauline Thomason

………………………………….

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. …Ruth Bell Graham

………………………………..

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

………………………..

It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

……………………………….

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

………………………………..

Perks of reaching 50 …. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

…………………………

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

………………………..

                                                          In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.                                                                     Now the world is weird and people are taking Prozac to make it normal.

…………………………….

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

……………………………………….

I’ve learned …..That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

………………………………………..

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

……………………………….

Over the years I’ve learned …..That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

………………………………

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM .

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

………………………………….

“Every path has a few puddles.”

…………………

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘ Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?

……………………………………..

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

…………………………………

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

…………………………………..

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

………………………………

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife
At all.’

’Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really
Good with the kids.’

………………………………..

GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d throw up.’

………………………………..

Things that you learn in the South:

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

…………………..

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible

                                                                                                                                  – George Burns

……………………………

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

                                                                                                                                                             – Groucho Marx

……………………..

There are more chickens than people in the world.

…………………………

There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

……………………………..

 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

…………………………..

 Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

…………………………………..

 Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

 …………………………….

Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years 

 ………………………………..

Every effort must be made in childhood to teach the young to use their own minds.

For one thing is sure: If they don’t make up their own minds, someone will do it for them.
                                                                                                                                                 — Eleanor Roosevelt

………………………………

 The first long-distance roads in Europe – including England – were built by Imperial Rome for its legions. Some of these still serve as the basis for modern roads. 

 ………………….

The first umbrella factory in the U.S. opened in Baltimore, Maryland in 1828.

 …………………………

It’s believed that there is the same amount of water on Earth as there was when the Earth was formed. Some say the water that came from your faucet could contain molecules that Neanderthals drank.

 …………………………………

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 ………………………..

 Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving. 

 …………………………..

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One thousand

………………………

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

……………………

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long

…………………………..

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

……………………..

                      Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

………………………………..

 If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth.

……………………………………..

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

………………………………..

It takes glass one million years to decompose,

which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

…………………………..

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun,

it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

 …………………………………..

My Petition:   Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth!

 ……………………………….

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

 ………………………….

For your information:  The average lead pencil can draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

 ……………………………

Things that you learn in the South:   You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

………………………………..

Things that you learn in the South: Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

……………………….

 Enlighten people generally, and tyranny and oppression of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day. — Thomas Jefferson

 ……………………….

YOUR SMILE FOR THE DAY!

An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.

Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

A penny saved is not much.

Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.

When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

Better late than pregnant.

………………………..

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.

…………………….

 Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 ………………

This is an actual comment made by South Carolina State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

………………………

 I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, “You’e next.”

…So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

 …………………….

REMEMBER:  In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.

                                                                                                                — Frank McKinney Hubbard

…………………………..

 I’ve learned…That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

 …………………………..

 I’ve learned …… That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

 ……………………….

I’ve learned …..That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

………………………..

I’ve learned …..That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

……………………………..

I’ve learned …..That life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

…………………………

I’ve learned …..That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

……………………….

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

………………………

I’ve learned …..That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the
most peaceful feelings in the world.

……………………………

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, 

and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

……………………………..

 How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? 

……………….

Over prepare, then go with the flow.

………………

Age is a matter of feeling … not of years. …. George William Curtis

………..

Why did the spider cross the road? To get to his website

……………………

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

……………………..

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.
…. Anne Morrow Lindbergh

…………………..

Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.
…. Mahatma Gandhi

……………..

Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed. …. Don Wood

……………..

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

…………….

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

………………

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

…………………

A man is not old as long as he is seeking something. …. Jean Rostand

………………….

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is considered a salad.

………………

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

………………………..

Youth is a disease from which we all recover. …. Dorothy Fulheim

…………………….

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

………………..
My people skills are just fine.   It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

……………

I don’t have gray hair.   I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

…………….

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.

………………

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

……………………..

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

…………………

Tech Support: O.K. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the button displayed?
Customer: Wow! How can you see my screen from there?

………………..

Perks of reaching 50 … Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

……………………

Whatever you are, be a good one. …Abraham Lincoln

………………………..

Overheard while out shopping:

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

…………………………

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

……………………..

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

………………………..

 A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’ 

…………………..

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

…………………..

I’ve learned …..That money doesn’t buy class.

……………………….

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

2014Dec4HealthDepartment 015

…………………..

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

…………………………

I’ve learned …..That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one
more time before she passed away.

………………….

I’ve learned …..That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

……………………..

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’
He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

………………

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

……………………..

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

………………………

” ‘Tis better to be silent and better thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” — Abraham Lincoln

………………………

Some funny items from church bulletins: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

……………………

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

……………………….

Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

………………………..

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

……………………..

Forgive everyone everything.

……………………..

People forget how fast you did a job —but they remember how well you did it.
….Howard Newton

……………..

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

……………..

Marriage is one long conversation, checkered with disputes. … Robert Louis Stevenson

………………….

Was learning cursive really necessary?

……………….

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

…………………….

Perks of reaching 50 … No one expects you to run anywhere.

…………………

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”

…………………

Variation Law
– If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

………………….

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

………………………

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

………………………………

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

………………………………….

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

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DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

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It’s not hard to meet expenses … they’re everywhere.

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Drink Coffee   …  Do stupid things faster and with more energy!

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Friends Fade

Love Dies

Hope Stays

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Your body is a temple, not a visitor’s center !

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If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

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Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

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 Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

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Drink Coffee   … Do stupid things faster and with more energy!

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 REMEMBER:   Love is warmth, tenderness, honesty, understanding,  strength, and thoughtfulness.

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  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

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 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

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 At a Towing company:
‘ We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. ‘

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Things that you learn in the South:

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.

We do like a little tea with our sugar.

It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

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You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. — John Morley

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Don’t join the book burners. Don’t think you are going to conceal thought by concealing evidence that they ever existed. —                                                                                                                                                                                           Dwight D. Eisenhower

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HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE ROAD SIGNS?

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 WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

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“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest.”

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“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

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Never give in! Never give in! Never, never, never, never. In nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions or honor or good sense! … Winston Churchill

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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,

because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’

 

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I’ve learned …..That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

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     A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

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When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

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Every calendar’s days are numbered.

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I’ve learned …..That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.

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I’ve learned …..That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an  elderly person.

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I’ve learned …..That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

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I’ve learned …..That one should keep his words both soft and tender, 

because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

 

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I’ve learned ….. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

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I’ve learned …..That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl

whispered to her mother,

‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color

of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

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Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . .

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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

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We would like to point out that it was not the senior citizens who took

 

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The Goden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of citiies,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or 

God out of government and school.

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Wouldn’t you know it…. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

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  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

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There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.

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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

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Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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 Don’t audit life.     Show up and make the most of it now.

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No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

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Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

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 TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

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Bad decisions make good stories.

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Frame every so-called disaster with these words “In five years, will this matter?”

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 ‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.’                                                                                                                                                                   – Ronald Reagan

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What other people think of you is none of your business.

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Hard work spotlights the character of people: Some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        …Sam Ewing

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Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

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Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.                                                                                                                                    ..Albert Schweitzer

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 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

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NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU                                              Burma Shave

 

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

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I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.                                                                                                                                                                                 ~Charles de Gaulle~

 

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.                                                                                                                                                                                               ~Author unknown~

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office                                                                                                                                       ~Aesop~

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Caller inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe: If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

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I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

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REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get.

We make a Life by what we give. 

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 The ones who criticize our generation forgets who raised it.

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Always Remember This: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing…

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